Every time I go to the Clark page to register - or even think about it - I get so "sick" inside. Not actually nauseous, but very dark and dread and doom feeling.
Actually I do know why I feel this way, because of this little beautiful angel:
Wait! Not that one, this one:
3 Months after these cutie pie was born, I was back to work. Twice a week I had to leave him with his grandma - which was a great deal for her, and essential for our budget - but it was a raw deal for my emotions and the want/need to be a Stay at Home Mom. Even now, he is almost 2, I still feel that ache every time I close the door.
As I was sitting here trying to analyze this doomsday feeling over registering, I realized that if I hate leaving my child then why would I purposefully set out on a path that would end up with me gone most of his childhood. I've never been through a Nursing Program, but I'm sure it's not a few hours a week - it's a big commitment. And I have such a hard time intentionally signing up for that. Plus at the moment I'm trying to have more children.... how is that going to work? I will schedule my classes around the babies nursing schedule (that's a little funny, since I'll be taking breaks from my nursing classes, to nurse - get it? no? that's ok.) and naps and still find the energy to study like crazy?
Speaking with Husband about these feelings doesn't really help resolve the issue. He thinks it would easier to go to school now while the the child we have is small and get it over with rather than trying to find time when we have more and they are older. And he's probably right. But I just can't bring myself to do it. It's been a week and a half since I've been eligible for registration.
One plan that does bring me hope is to become a Doula/Bradley instructor first. From my early research, it's not a 6-7 year timeline I'm looking at, more like a weekend seminar, logged hours, and paperwork (not to mention FEES). It seems a much more flexible option to have while in my baby- bearing/rearing years. Plus it will give me a lot of experience, which is really one of the best educators.
In my head it seems logical that I will be able to start school once all my children are in school, so that I can somewhat coincide my schedules with theirs. And hopefully at that point, Husband's work will also be at a point where income won't be a constant issue.
I just don't want to look back on my life and regret not spending more time with my kids, not hugging them enough, not playing fort and house enough, not having time to listen to their mini-recitals for the newest song they've learned, etc. While birth and all aspects of it still fascinate me and bring me joy, being a midwife does not even come near any of the above mentioned activities.
This post is a little scattered. I apologize, my thoughts are likewise scattered at the moment.
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